Helicopter parent you say? Yup. Check. That’s me.
That was me. I’m a much better version of my former self now.
I’ve just gotten back from dropping Big off to his first ever – mommy’s-not-staying – birthday party.
I know some of the other kids that were going.
Of course I do. I sourced that out days ago.
The thing is that this is all new to me. I’ve NEVER left Big at a birthday party. I have a hard time letting go. An abnormally hard time letting go.
Thankfully, and for the sanity of my children, I’ve gotten help.
I fully recommend professional help.
It turns out that as mothers sometimes we attach all of who we are to our children. We can beome somewhat obsessed about being super moms and being everything to our children.
That happened to me. I will say that it all happened rather quickly and once I realized it was bordering on the unhealthy side, I was in too deep.
Let’s begin here.
Four years ago we lost our daughter.
Big was barely two, and I was pregnant with our second baby. A baby girl. Eighteen weeks into our pregnancy, we knew something was wrong. Very wrong. At twenty weeks I was giving birth to our daughter, knowing she wouldn’t survive.
On the outside, it appeared that I was at peace with the mystery of it all. On the inside – I was broken.
The broken version of myself latched on to the one thing that I knew needed me more than anything in the world – Big.
Big was registered for pre school, and I withdrew his registration. I kept him by my side at all times, and rarely, if ever let him out of my sight. We became so in tune with each other that in no time he was taking care of me and not the other way around.
It wasn’t long before I knew it was all going wrong. How unfair to make myself a burden on my pre-schooler? Just before he turned three, he was registered for Montessori and off he went. It was by far, one of the best things to happen for both of us.
We both grew. I finally dealt with the loss of our baby. It was tough. And not having Big by my side was even tougher. But I made it through.
It wasn’t long before we both grew into ourselves. I finally saw Big as the amazing kid he is.
Having him start grade one this year has been an even bigger step for us. And he’s at a public school with eight hundred other kids. Gulp.
And one of those kids is having a birthday party today.
And Big is there. All alone. Without me.
And in my core, I know he’s doing just fine.
In the meantime, I’ll keep staring at the clock.
It’s all about small steps, right?